I deleted my blog a while ago, but decided to reinstate it, for the simple fact of sharing the AWESOME things God is doing in my life, and the revelations that he is bringing about in my mind…it’s like I’ve had a extreme mind makeover. So, here goes:
I am a planner, a perfectionist, someone who makes a list for nearly EVERYTHING. I have always had my life planned out, a timeline of events and goals that I could check off my list. Well, a few years ago, God threw my plans out the window…and had yet to replace them, leaving me wondering what in the world God wanted me to do. While these years were happy for me, and I grew closer to God than I had ever been, I was constantly distracted trying to figure out God’s “plan” for my life. Like it was my job to dig around and uncover His will for me. Mistake numero uno.
You see, about six months ago, I felt God really impressing on my heart a great deal of character flaws that I needed to work on. And even in the midst of working on these, deep down I still thrived on the search to find out what the future had for me…I wanted physical goals that I could measure myself on, that I could accomplish. A friend reminded me that the characteristics of a woman of noble character ARE God-given goals, and that maybe God was using that time to prepare me. Ding, ding, ding, we HAVE a winner. God showed me that sometimes we have to let Him reveal the game plan…because (Revelation #1) God will not reveal our future unless we are prepared to take it on.
At camp, after a message on dying to yourself…our youth pastor posed a question to the leaders about how ready we are to be available to those kids, willing to drop everything and be there fighting for their spiritual lives. In that moment, God just flooded over me. I felt like my whole life was leading up to this moment. In that moment, I realized: students are the most important thing in my life. God made His calling to youth ministry clear in that moment – a calling that inspired such a deep passion in me, it beckoned me to lay everything else aside, willing to die to my job, my house, my car, my money, my reputation, and put God’s will first in my life. He knew in that moment, I was ready for what he had for me. I wasn't going to make excuses or run. I was willing to follow...to let him plan my future.
Funny thing – I remember thinking years ago, “Wow, I would love to be a youth pastor…but that demands too much. I’m not a good enough person, and having the responsibility to live what I teach is too much pressure. I will make mistakes and sin, and then be a failure.” I felt like in order to work in vocational ministry, I had to be specifically called by God. Besides, there was no money in that line of work, and all I ever wanted was security in my life. I feel like the work that God started when he threw my life plans (being a lawyer, stay-at-home husband, adopted kids, workaholic) out the window was the first in many steps toward becoming the person he wants me to be. You see, at that time, He told me “I didn’t call you to be good, I didn’t call you to be better than other Christians, I called you to be HOLY, as I am Holy.” This started a string of convictions in my life that became the threshold for SO MUCH spiritual growth in my life. And with the goals that God placed in my life for becoming a woman of God, I feel like I was propelled to a place where I was ready to hear God’s plan for my life. I feel like all along deep in my soul I longed to be called to youth ministry, and God was just waiting until I was willing to give up EVERYTHING for that call. And camp was that place. And not because it was a “camp experience.” It wasn’t about a feeling or emotion at camp…it was about the REST of my LIFE. Camp was just the vehicle that brought me the final leg of my journey to a place where I was willing to surrender everything to God. And I mean EVERYTHING. For the first time, I knew what it felt like to die to myself.
Since then, God has slowly been killing to distractions in my life. One primary thing was the distraction of a relationship. I figured that my lack of career plans and desire to become a Godly wife meant that my focus should be on finding a relationship. Boy, was I WRONG. You see, while God did use that time to prepare me, I began to realize the terrible distraction boys had been to me. Instead of falling in love with Jesus, I was wasting my affection on guys. Why? Because girls get into a cycle. (And no, I don’t mean a monthly cycle, sickos). While I cannot speak for every girl, in my experience this is true: there are three ways it is easiest to get over a boy. 1. For that guy to get into a relationship, therefore making him off limits. 2. For that guy to break your heart. (OR) 3. To find someone else that you like more. No matter what destroys the crush, it seems like #3 is inevitable. You always tend to find someone else worth liking.
Which brings me to revelation #2. You see, I have a list of standards that I have separated into two parts, the “Must-haves,” and the “Would-likes”…this has been my guideline for dating since I was about twelve, and while I wanted to compromise a few times in my teen years, strict parents prevented me from having a relationship. Praise the Lord! I am SO lucky. After a series of events recently, I have come to find that sometimes in the cycle of crushes a girl goes through, your attempt to attract the right guy tends to attract the wrong ones. Sometimes flattery can make you “feel” good, and make you willing to compromise your standards. Last week, something came out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize was floating in my head (Revelation #2): I don’t want to be pursued by anyone who doesn’t meet my standards for the person I want to marry.
While my standards have gotten even narrower as I have grown up and matured, I find that there is hope yet: There is one person in my life right now that meets the “must-haves” and the “would-likes.” And while I feel the chances with that person are slim to none, knowing this person gives me hope that men with these characteristics do exist, so I don’t have to settle for anything less. I am realizing that it doesn’t matter whether or not you feel like you are good enough for the person. When it is the RIGHT person, you will be everything they want in a spouse. So, as an encouragement: make standards, and do not settle. Instead of spending your time searching out that person, spend your time becoming the person that meets the standards of your future spouse. This I know will continue to be a struggle, as human nature rushes in to lust, but I am confident that sticking to this plan will allow God to make a window in his timing. And while everyone deals with loneliness, I feel like I can say I’m excited for God’s timing. I know it will be perfect...which is how it ties into revelation #1. Whether a week or a decade away, God will eventually prompt that “special someone” to act, and it will be beautiful…because Jesus planned it.
This brings me to the final realization that I want to share. (Revelation #3, for those keeping track): What God plans, no one can destroy. As I am walking in God’s will for me, I am experiencing a joy and peace that I do not understand. It requires a great deal of risk on my part, but once you realize God’s promise to take care of you if you walk in His presence, you realize the true risk lies in NOT trusting Him. If you chose to do it on your own, you don’t have his promise of blessing on what you are doing. And I am finding that when you walk in obedience to God’s plans, he will work supernaturally to take care of you. Nothing is by chance; he has a plan and a destiny for your life and mine. And even though sometimes it takes crappy occurrences for him to get through to you, in the epic words of Superchic[k], “It’s just life, you’ll win in the end”. Sometimes bad things will happen, but we have a promise that endures, and an eternity to spend with the One that holds it all together.
Whew, for those of you that read this far, thank you for sticking with it. I really hope that God uses this to speak to you, and that somehow this inspires thoughts on the goodness of God.
